Deranged Perspectives

2009-09-17T10:54:00.001+08:00

2009-09-17T02:45:00.002+08:00

The poet dies a second death
Forever crippled, forever forgotten
He looks at the bloodshed
Pain cringes through his veins
And as the last petal on the amaranth withers
His heart stopped beating
He has tried
But each time his sword pierces his skin
He hides the wound
Nothing but a lonely sibling walking this dead world
The poet dies once more

2009-09-10T01:13:00.003+08:00

You're right, what is big thing to you might not be a big thing to others.

And I thought...
To the world, you may just be one person, but to one person, you may be the world.

My friend once told me this when I was still a freshie
"The spaces between your fingers were made so another person could fill them."
And I guess that time, that person wasn't me.

2009-07-13T16:42:00.000+08:00

2009-06-02T00:53:00.002+08:00

I just simply damn hate people who do stupid things. Like MUM!!
She tried to spite me today cuz I always said I didnt wanna talk to her. I said it cuz I know she's just trying to talk to me and by that I mean becuz she has nth good to say, but she ngeh ngeh want to talk to me so she sort of ask me a lot of stupid things. Somehow she has a skewed mindset that a mum has to talk to her kid.

COME ON MUM, if you got nth much to say to me den dont say la. Or maybe you should get to know your kid better.

Anyways, so I was just showing her some pics I took during the kent ridge race. Came across this guy wearing a red goggle (I had just bought a new red goggle). She went "wah so its becuz he's wearing red dats why you went to buy today".

I CANNOT FUCKING STAND PEOPLE ESP MY MUM TO SAY I BUY THINGS BECUZ OTHER PEOPLE HAVE IT. CANT I FUCKING HAVE MY OWN TASTE AND OPINION?

So i was furious and told her dat NO its not becuz of dat and told her that she's very irritating. Den she decided to "give me a taste of my own medicine" by replying "I dun wanna talk to you already".

And how I know? Cuz 1 min later she came back into my room and told me now I know how she feels when I tell her that. Fuck man, I said that in the past cuz you were talking crap to me and now YOU'RE the one talking the crap about wad I buy cuz other ppl wear it and you're saying you dun wanna talk to me anymore?

WTF man, its no wonder I hate to go home.

2009-05-22T01:44:00.003+08:00

Today is a sad day.
I've graduated from TP.

Somehow, I feel that I'm not yet satisfied with my experience in TP. The friendship I've gathered is extraordinary and I've been given chances and opportunities that not many students have.

I've been listening to some soothing songs to hopefully calm my worried heart. And just as I was looking for a final song to end my day, I couldn't find a fitting song to put an end to all. Then, I remembered this song.

And this is also a dedication

2009-05-06T01:31:00.000+08:00

2009-04-17T02:10:00.003+08:00

ok i'm just gonna say dat i feel today is a day of revelation for me. in a sense that with so many things happening, i feel separated from God.

today i chanced upon this vid that zeya posted on facebook

and read about this in the newspaper

Susan Boyle - Singer - Britains Got Talent 2009 @ Yahoo! Video

it reminded me that no matter what circumstances you might be in or how shit you feel about yourself, God has a way for you to shine in His glory. both of these people who i've come to know about, are followers of God.

"...our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure..."

2009-04-14T23:59:00.002+08:00

Down within the furthest depths of my heart's oceans
Revives the sacred fowl from its ashes
Every step it takes it is killed and dies
And then it is reborn again
Maybe this was all really my rash and naive decision

2009-04-12T01:36:00.003+08:00

Certain things i feel i just cant say. you know, its like saying it doesnt hold as much value and sincerity than actions that prove your intentions.

some time back, i wondered why i dont blog like i used to long time ago. i used to be thinking of all sorts of nonsense and have views on everything. now it seems that i've simplified. i no longer think about such stuff and probably live life a day at a time. is that good or bad?

a song dedication today

2009-04-03T01:00:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, we all live our lives as a blind person. We tend to delve into living out for other people, be it to meet certain expectations or to sustain a certain persona. But we fail to look at ourselves as ourself.

I had a conversation with a friend and it made me reflect on myself. I realised I was so caught up with me that I didn't see the real ME. Certain things that I hid at the bottom of my mind suddenly surfaced and I reaised we cannot pretend that these things don't matter because they do.

Sometimes I think I'm really foolish to think that everything is simple. Its really such a stupid and naive mindset. I realised some things just could never be simple. I think I'm really weak now, maybe its just an after effect of such realisations. I feel so stupid that I was even told to read up on communicating with people. I remember this thing that xav said in his blog that stayed in my mind.

I really hope someone could just take my hand and run. Runnin's tuff too.

Nothing is ever that easy and simple it seems.

2009-04-02T00:47:00.002+08:00

cant wait to go back to pengerang to try the secret trails!!!
anyone up? hahas

i think i better get back to shooting some stuff. i think i'm losing touch with the camera already haiz. ok maybe i'll do a bike shoot :P

2009-03-23T02:12:00.004+08:00

watch this show few days ago
funny shit man hahas, its a good comedy not like those lame ones with lame jokes.

and yesterday.... kena some friggin warm and wet pigeon shit while shooting haji series for first avenue. the most disgusting thing of my life man.

but other than that the day was ok. went to eat lots of stuff courtesy of uncle sam and irene. haha ate rum and raisin ice cream, lychee martini ice cream, baileys ice cream, champagne japanese fine chocolate. almost gonna be drunk already.

its been long since a poem so here goes

C'est La Amor

Deep down inside you know this craving
Earnest of love you would be feeling
All those times that we've been weeping
Rub away the tears because we are sturdy

2009-03-18T03:21:00.003+08:00

Best Birthday EVER!
Thanks to all who made it happen, I really appreciate it with all my heart.

2009-03-17T00:29:00.000+08:00

thanks sis :D

2009-03-16T20:41:00.004+08:00

Haiz today was such a sian day...
I'm like blogging in the middle of funan with all the shops ard me all closed.
But its a good time for me to think abt a lot of stuff, and i havent done this in a while so its good for my health i guess.

I think i gotta open up more, you know, expand my connections. I'm hoping at least this will give me smth to do or ppl to hang out with on days like this. I hate going out alone not knowing what to do.

I guess sometimes life brings you a brick wall and you're left with either to climb over it or turn around and leave. Sometimes ppl say you gotta climb over it cuz brick walls are actually opportunities for us to show how much we want something. But why cant we just turn and go? What if climbing over presents you with nth better? What if you get injured climbing over?

I dunno...

2009-03-10T03:05:00.002+08:00

Tonight, a comedian dies.
He was blinded by frustration and confusion, fear.
Drank the poison of self indulgence.
He lashes it out at his ally, who took everything he gave.
Yet still covers his wounds and took away his blindfold.
But he wasnt blinded only by this wretched cloth.
As his soul still couldnt see, that his ally was in pain.
When its too late, the comedian had been stabbed from behind.
This pain wasnt coming from the wound.
It was a pain shared with him from this ally.
As in body and soul, the two entities were one.
Now as he bandages these cuts.
They seem to tear bigger.
The commedian lies down.
His heart still pumping from the adrenaline.
For he knows he's going to die.
And he takes a last laugh at the better days.
And blinks for a very long time.
For tonight, a commedian is dead.

Lessons

2009-03-08T04:13:00.003+08:00

We all come to crossroads once in a while in our lives. You know, those times when you just dun know what to do and you keep doubting yourself and others? I've been there recently.

Sometimes i guess there's not much we can do. Sometimes things are just out of our control and at those times..... at those times i guess we just gotta evaluate ourselves and respond in the most appropriate way and leave the rest to god. This big man above is really awesome, he'll open doors for you when he tests you and always in the end, we'll all learn something and grow wiser. Recently the big man set out a test to learn about people and emotions. I prayed every night to him asking for wisdom to pass his test and just when things were on the brink of becoming regrettable, he gave help. He gave a reflection, something which allowed us to see things better.... or more so, see ourselves better.

Being with god is something i'll never trade anything for. Because the big man is a parent, a guardian who teaches us lessons that could never be taught in a textbook or in class. He shows us how to be human and lead life according to how it should be. Sometimes i'll get annoyed at the big man. I'll always remb this line from a show:

"you rested on the seventh day... maybe you should have spent it on compassion"

But even with all these, god never fails to show me the right way. The world is a dark place, and we people who live in it are its candles, lighting each other's way with hope. And maybe tonight, a comedian doesnt die but lives to smile another day.

2009-03-05T00:59:00.001+08:00

it dawned on me that i may not be able to afford further studies after poly
suddenly felt so sad~~

worries

2009-02-25T01:31:00.004+08:00

Sometimes we all have worries, and its a good thing.
I worry about things once in a while too and i think its just how we prepare ourselves for the worst to come. But you know, sometimes we just gotta let go. Sometimes, we realise that our insecurities only bogs us down, that it is something beyond our control. Sometimes, it is better to just put these worries aside and let nature take its course.

I've ever heard before, people saying "why do we measure our lives by the number of years instead of how good those years were?". Its true, that i believe if we worry about how long our lives can last, or even things like relationships or hobbies, we divert our attention away from making the most out of these days we have.

Or even from the musical Rent, the striking question is "525,600 minutes, how do you measure a year? in daylights? in sunsets? in midnights? in cups of coffee? in inches? in miles? in laughter? in strife?". Its a very good question to ask ourselves. And the answer given in this musical is "How about love?". That's some food for thought :)

Check out the vid below, it says it better than i do.

2009-02-23T17:04:00.002+08:00

shit lah, my precious ipod went into the washer.
its one of the very impt things in my life, i need it wherever i go...
and my mum's not letting me buy another one.
uuurrgghh!!!!!
gonna listen to some emo music

2009-02-23T00:46:00.002+08:00

The old friend told me... to wait
To let these tears be testament
And to wash these eyes from the blindness I've followed
I listened and this old friend smiled and walked away

2009-02-22T02:19:00.002+08:00

The road back seemed so unfamiliarly quiet.
I looked behind, there was no one.
Right beside me was an old friend whom I've met... again.

2009-02-15T00:19:00.004+08:00

Measure of My Love

Remembering our past
That ethereal night always lived on
Two souls so lost
Cuddled for warmth emanating from wounds
Tears so sacred had been shed
And fallen on hearts so true
Silence at times we needed to speak
Words being most unspoken
Because we both knew
Such things should be felt
Maybe this muted bond
Is the most resonate

(Everything I Do) I Do It For You - Bryan Adams, Michael Kamen, Robert John Lange

2009-02-13T01:40:00.002+08:00

Everything I Do - Bryan Adams

2009-02-13T00:29:00.001+08:00

Am i really another him?

prose

2009-02-13T00:04:00.002+08:00

Decided to write prose instead for a change.

Nah... maybe not. I cant write now.

Let a song take place in what I wanted to tell.

Nah... cant think of a song now.

Tomorrow will be a better day

2009-02-04T01:57:00.000+08:00

can't put my thoughts into words now....
so much inside my head

blank

2009-02-03T10:36:00.002+08:00

I'm thinking of the midnight sun
The lessons it would teach me
That all the days we had fun
The future still remains a mystery

Each new sunrise
Poses great crises and doubt
Should we think of a compromise
Or just cry and tear and pout

Yet today the voice speaks to me
Harden not my heart
And even great valleys and great seas
Would never do us part

Wrongly expressed was the tone
When I wanted to say my deed
So now I shall be alone
To reminisce every day's most quiet need

2009-01-28T01:12:00.001+08:00

its been a long road, to get from there to here

happiness

2009-01-27T19:00:00.002+08:00

its been a long road and there's a longer road ahead
but through all these, i've been blessed and i'm happy

selfish

2009-01-15T23:38:00.003+08:00

realised I did something very selfish and now i'm feeling real bad abt it
didn't occur to me that i only thought of myself when someone else is in deeper shit
i dunno man, isit becuz i'm an only child? i had always wanted a sibling but....

and now it seems like some bad karma is getting to me. yeah so like today didn't really go as planned. but anyways, superstitions aside, hope tml will be better :)

2009-01-15T00:54:00.002+08:00

Aiya wanted to write a poem but it just doesnt turn out nice so I'm not posting it.
think i'm starting to become inarticulate already :(

ok lets listen to a song

be still and have faith

2009-01-11T19:58:00.003+08:00

i just wrote a long blog entry but deleted everything as i didnt wanna post it.
just soooo tired now.
yet my head cant stop working... thinking... missing...

100th post

2009-01-06T01:00:00.002+08:00

this is my 100th post on this blog. so fast right, its been like dunno how long since i created this blog to rant.

dunno what word can be used to describe this feeling of longing what i had done in the past year.

nostalgia?
no, the essential meaning of nostalgia is "the pain of an old wound". the days i could never take back will never be a pain.

ok chimology haha

anyways, found this song from my music archive. quite nice i thought.

first

2009-01-01T10:25:00.001+08:00

seen the first dawn of 2009 today
the whole night/early morning was full of firsts and I finally got the chance to really think through my 2008.

I am really really gratified and comforted that the big man had made it possible and blessed this special journey.

2008-12-28T16:23:00.000+08:00

ok update, an angel came and saved me from boredom

family

2008-12-28T15:44:00.004+08:00

Was bored at home, nobody jio me out so decided to write another poem

Strings

You look at me, a warmth rising in the heart
So much had gone by since we've been apart
But now everything seems not to matter anymore

You were tired, and laid your head onto my shoulder
That's when I knew you were family and not just another
A special person whom I truly adore

You are like the strings on my guitar
Without any one I just couldn't play a bar
And the song dies no matter how nice the score

size

2008-12-28T02:15:00.002+08:00

don't worry, i'll not forget. not now, not ever.

and my mind is set. sorry Les, maybe next time

awws

2008-12-27T12:23:00.001+08:00

Came across this song by secondhand serenade.
Brought back memories of myself not too long ago... dunno why also

gifts

2008-12-25T17:08:00.000+08:00

the most special and meaningful x'mas eve of my life.
thank you so so so much :)

pissed

2008-12-21T22:57:00.004+08:00

so many things going through my head now... plus the headache urrgghh!!!
been thinking for the past week about that meeting with mr. d and i got to let go some steam
so pardon the fancy language

to mr. d:
first of all, thanks a lot for ruining my sip. yea you bloody twoface s.o.b. you left me all alone on the first day while you went to do your stuff. oh yes and i still remb those nice words you said to me when it was my "last day", ooh all so encouraging. but nooo... once you found out i was staying, everything changed. and you had to go reservist just as i was picking myself up from all the mess. nothing wrong with that, serving the nation wad. yea you bloody didn't make plans for me while you were away, you left just like that. and you like to talk to me about responsibility, wah that you are some assistant district commander and you know all abt leadership and all. well, you fucking leader left me just when i needed you most and you didnt even showed that you care so why must i? you told me that i have only a month left and i should enjoy my time. and then you probably realised your mistake that you hadn't done anything as a supervisor other than get me to wash and clean those friggin tanks. yea and you tried to blame it on me by saying that i should BUG YOU to give me more stuff to do. LISTEN CLOSELY FUCKER, DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR FUCKING JOB??? fine blame it all to me, take away that small amount of dignity i have left. thanks ar mr. assistant district commander, thanks for showing me how political you can get. oh and did i mention that although you said you were going to grade my performance, you decided it was time to relax and took LEAVE UNTIL NEXT YEAR. how are you going to grade me? the time you spent with me was even lesser than the time i spent in the toilet man. oh yes, and to your disappointment, you wont even get to give me a grade. yea, that's for the LO, not you!! so if you think so highly about yourself and that nobody knows you are trying to cover up for your mistake or laziness, please take a long hard look at yourself. I depended on you, I trusted you, I looked up to you, I even tolerated your bloody winniethepooh snigger. you let me down man, BIG TIME. and now, you left me ALONE AGAIN to pick up the pieces. Thanks man, good night and fuck you.

phew... that was a mouthful
ok hope this christmas would be good
everyday just seems so empty now, and the friggin headache is killing me!!!!

covet

2008-12-19T00:06:00.002+08:00

Decided to write another poem

La Luna

On a dusty roadside stood an ancient timber
Perched upon which is an owl proud of its ancient wisdom
In its eyes, the gleaming moon reveals the memory
The night that we fell under the spell of the moon
Which light would bring me to you
Everytime you gaze into the night sky

headache

2008-12-16T21:00:00.002+08:00

doctor says if it doesnt go away in a few more days, i've got to go for a brain scan at a&e
he says it might be some host infection thingy

i dunno, i'm scared now. its getting worse and now my head twitches a bit everytime it hits.

*i'll put my trust in the big man k?*

drained

2008-12-15T20:25:00.002+08:00

i'm so sorry to be a burden these couple of weeks.

i dont mean to complain and nag but i'm really tired... really drained...

and this headache is making me a bit grumpy at times

but bear with me, i'll be well soon... i hope...

2008-12-14T01:22:00.002+08:00

okok... a poem it shall be

Old Long Since

My mind's in a whirl
A thousand arpeggios playing each a different emotion
Sometimes walking along this desolate road
I could almost feel you in my arms
And our hearts beating in tandem to the soft music
This sense of longing
Much awaited for and ever present in this lonely soul
Seemed to be a mirage of my mind
I would kiss the rain as it falls
Thinking of all the tears that ever flowed between us
As I smile them all away into the night

dope

2008-12-14T00:37:00.002+08:00

haha was supposed to write a poem but saw this and decided to post instead:

50 signs that you were a child of the 80s…

1. You grew up watching He-man, Transformers, Silverhawk, Ultraman, Super Friends, Woody WoodPecker, Tom & Jerry, Care Bears, My Little Pony, Smurfs and Mickey Mouse. Not to forget, maybe Ninja turtles too.

2. You grew up brushing your teeth with a mug in primary school during recess time. You would squat by a drain with all your classmates beside you, and brush your teeth with a colored mug. The teachers said you must brush each side ten times. Not forgetting the silly red tablet which you know not the purpose for.

3. You know what SBC stands for.

4. You know in school, you could subscribe to get the milk which would come before you go back home. Some days you would get chocolate milk, other days strawberry. The old Magnolia fresh milk came in a triangular packet.

5. You were there when the first Chinese serial, The Awakening was shown on TV.

6. Everyone in class would tremble in fear when someone with a gauze stuck in the mouth came to your class and called out a name to go visit the school dentist.

7. You find your friends with pagers and handphone cool in secondary school.

8. SBS buses used to be non-airconditioned. The bus seats were made of wood and the cushion was red. The big red bell gave a loud BEEEP when pressed. There were colorful tickets for CSS buses. The conductor would check tickets using a machine that punched a hole in each ticket. All SBS buses used to be manually operated, with a gigantic gearstick to the left of the driver.

9. Your favorite actor and actress were Huang Wenyong and Xiang Yun. Next were Li Nanxing and Zoe Tay and the Aiyoyo woman (Chen Liping).

10. You’ve probably read Young Generation magazine. You know who’s Vinny the Little Vampire and Constable Acai. For some, cikgu will always ask to buy the “Dewan Bahasa” magazine.

11. You were there when they first introduced MRT here (Yio Chu Kang to Toa Payoh). You went for the first ride with your parents and you would kneel on the seat to see the scenery.

12. Movie tickets used to cost only $3.50. Tickets were scrawled across using big red pencils. Ushers brought you into the cinemas using big metallic torchlights.

13. Gals were fascinated by Strawberry Short Cake and Barbie Dolls. You also collected sticker books of Street Fighter, The Semi-Pro Soccer League (for boys) and care bears (for girls) by Panini, trying to complete the impossible task of filling up each sticker book.

14. You remember some taxis were green in color. Taxis had gearsticks behind the steering wheel, with a transparent knob and little colorful flowers inside the knobs.

15. You longed to buy tidbits called Kaka (20 cents per pack), and Ding Dang (50 cents per box), that had a toy in it and it changes every week. Not forgetting the 15-cent animal crackers and the ringpop, where the lollipop is the diamond on the ring. There were such things like the 20-cent dinosaur eggs, the 10-cent satay, Choki Choki Chocolate Sticks and the all favorite 10-cent “Air batu” that broke into two parts to be shared amongst friends.

16. You watched TV2 (also known as Channel 10) cartoons because Channel 5 never had enough cartoons for you.

17. All that you know about Cantonese is from the
Hong Kong serials you watched on TV2. You probably would remember George Lam as the moustached man whose line was “Are you OK?” in the Guiness Stout Advertisement.

18. You grew up reading ladybird books. Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, The Three Investigators, Famous Five and Secret Seven were probably the thickest story books you ever thought you had. Even Sweet Valley High and Malory
Towers. You also love Enid Blyton’s Enchanted Wood, Magic Faraway tree… and the 5-dollar Bookworm book you bought when there was a book fair in school.

19. The only food you bought from McDonalds was the fish fillet burger and French fries as it wasn’t halal back then and your parents didn’t allow you to buy other stuff.

20. KFC used to be a high class place that let you use metal forks and knives.

21. The most vulgar thing you said was “asshole” and “idiot”… you just couldn’t bring yourself to say the Hokkien relative.

22. Catching was the “in” thing (a.k.a. Police and Thief) and twist or “choap” was the magic word. For those who always frequented the void decks, there was the “rumah dayak”, Octopus and “Goli Duit”.

23. Your English workbook was made of some poor quality paper that was smooth and yellow. And the textbooks were striped in different colors for different levels.

24. Some part of your school was ALWAYS haunted, like the toilet or clock tower or a certain block. You walk fast to avoid them.

25. The only computer lessons in school involved funny pixel characters in 16 colors walking about trying to teach you math. You printed with noisy dot matrix printers and used computer paper with two rows of holes at the sides. Mouse? What’s that?

26. Waterbottles, with your favorite cartoon character on it, were slung around your neck and a must everywhere you go.

27. Boys loved to play soccer with small tennis balls in the basketball court.

28. Hopscotch, five stones, chapteh and zero point were all the rage with the girls and boys too…

29. Science was fun with the balsam and the angsana being the most important plants of our lives. Remember the “Young Scientist” badge you got when you completed the set of tasks in written on the blue booklet for “Young Ecologist”, “Young Botanist”, etc? The first excursion to the Science Centre was the best day of your life.

30. Who could forget Ahmad, Bala, Gopal, Sumei, Peihua and John, eternalised in the textbooks. Even Mr. Wolly, Mr. Yakki.

31. You did stupid exercises like seal crawl and frog jumps.

32. Every Children’s Day and National Day you either get pencils or pens printed with “Happy Children’s Day 1983″ or dumb files printed with “Happy National Day 1984″.

33. In Primary Six you had to play buddy for the younger kids like big sister and brother.

34. There was an ACES day where you would get this stupid hat and do the Great Singapore Workout.

35. The Scouts used to wear shorts, and the NCC uniform was a plain green color without camouflage.

36. The worksheets were made of rough brown paper of poor quality. During art and craft classes, you had to make your own art folio using a vanguard sheet.

37. You went to school in slippers and a raincoat when it rained, and you find a dry spot in the school to sit and wipe yourself dry. Then you wear your dry and warm socks and shoes.

38. During National Day, you would have to do and decorate your own shakers, usually using a cassette tape container, or an empty aluminium can with green beans inside all taped up and decorated with white and red paper. Who can forget the all-time favorite recorder you played during music lessons?

39. After exams, you brought Game & Watch to school, and played card games like “Snap”, “Donkey” and “Old Maid”. You also played pick-up sticks and Snakes & Ladders and the aeroplane board game. Those erasers with the flags were also a popular game. Either that or you would play those cards comparing aeroplanes, warships, or tanks - who had more firepower or speed or weight, etc.

40. You remember your uncles, big brothers and father screaming and shouting in front of the TV when the
Singapore soccer team (always in blue jerseys) played against the Malaysians.

41. Your friends considered you lucky and rich if your parents gave you $3 or more for pocket money everyday.

42. During class gatherings, parents always tag along in case someone gets lost at Orchard Road

43. You freak out when the teacher tells you to line up according to height and hold hands with the corresponding boy or girl.

44. Handkerchieves were a must for both genders

45. Collecting notebooks, erasers and all kinds of stationery was a popular thing. The bookshop was a favorite place to go to get all those stuff during recess.

46. Autograph books were loaded with “Best Wishes”, “Forget Me Not”, and little poems like “Birds fly high, hard to catch. Friends like you, hard to forget”.

47. Class monitors and prefects loved to say “You talk somemore, I write your name ah!”

48. You remember songs sung by a huge group of people, like 4U2C, Feminin, Nico (Malay) and the English “We Are The World”. In secondary school, you listened to Bananarama, Jason Donavan, Kylie Minogue, New Kids on the Block, ABBA, and Tommy Page (Remember “A Shoulder to Cry On“?)

49. Large, colorful schoolbags were carried. And fanciful pencil cases with lots of small tiny drawers, trays, sharpener or thermometer that pop out at the push of a button were the “in” thing.

50. You brought every single book to school, even though there was one thing called the timetable, written on the inside cover of your little blue notebook.

trapped

2008-12-09T00:03:00.004+08:00

everytime i think abt this, i'll feel a bit sad.
i dunno how to put it but i just wish that my life would just be simpler, just enjoying each day as it goes by.
you know, not worrying abt tomorrow, or yesterday, just loving each moment of today.

maybe that's why although my sip situation had become much much better (thanks for the prayers ;P ), i still feel so trapped. its like i'm still not looking forward to each day.

probably my biggest wish is to be able to go to the most beautiful places on earth to shoot it and at the same time marvel at God's wonderful creations. best still if i could spend it with my loved one, haha so romantic.

yea, just like this Kenny G item, simple and sweet

memory

2008-12-08T23:03:00.001+08:00

why does it feel as if my memories are slowly erasing away? i'm scared

contented

2008-12-02T23:28:00.000+08:00

Thank you God, for hearing my prayer

culmination

2008-12-02T00:05:00.001+08:00

.....

lyrical

2008-11-30T02:03:00.003+08:00

its been a long time since my last poem, so let's do a nice one

For You, My Sister

Going down memory lane together
Ever searching for this nostalgia from the maple leaves
Remembering those nights at the cafe
All those moments when I tried to deceive
Let us slow down our steps and rest
Darkness surrounds us as we gaze upon the celestial heaven
I wish this night would last a lifetime
Never this time to be half past eleven
Ending in such solace, my sister, this is all for you

And... "ooh you touch my tralala..."

prayer

2008-11-20T01:44:00.002+08:00

ever had someone pray for you before?
I dunno but everytime someone says that to me, I'll be really touched.
Probably because it shows that that person not only cares about your physical wellbeing but also your spiritual wellbeing as well. So to those sad/emo/troubled/confused friends out there, I'll be praying for you.

can

2008-11-17T01:55:00.002+08:00

Something to share. A father's unconditional love.
I'm going to have a Team Hoyt logo on my bike helmet to show my support.

nostalgia

2008-11-16T18:34:00.002+08:00

so many things had happened last few days but I felt like nth had happened (what?).
I dunno la but I think I'm not growing even though I have done so much, its like hentak kaki all the way man. But ok, at least the campus discussion was good.

Funny thing is, I didn't expect Daniel "Ah Tan" to be sooo caring. Haha its always like that.... I have a bad impression of someone and in the end they turn out to be the best people I had ever met. But anyways, he managed to encourage me to finish my remaining time of SIP.

That morning was very good but weird (what?). Its really nostalgia to come to sch in the morning, sitting at that same table with all the same dudes. I mean wow man, its like we've not seen each other for years. Then Dr. D had to come and spoil everything. What a hypocrite... trying to tell us about good working attitudes when she has the worst I've seen.

Anyway, its good to see someone again. Good to have that small talk too.

And this is why I love floorball...

emo

2008-11-09T20:24:00.003+08:00

Did I have this title in my previous posts? haha heck it, I'm gonna use it anyway.

Happened to realise a mistake i made yesterday. Told guy3 to arrange for a meeting with Diana Chan. BIG MISTAKE! now she's gonna use that chance to fire me about not submitting my reason for taking leave. I'll need to come up with an excuse for this cuz telling her the truth would screw up my SIP grades. But in anyway, I'm still on the losing side cuz Diana Chan is unhappy 9/10 times which leaves me with 10% chance of her being happy on our meeting date.

I dunno man, never did i expect sip to be so.... so friggin stressful. I thought would be cool to be on attachment and this was supposed to be the highlight of poly life lor. WTH man, everyday I'm like worrying whether I'd be scolded by supervisors, or what to do in my free time, or just the thought of going to that forsaken place. And worse still is I got 3 more months to go. That's like all the time I've spent so far PLUS 1 more month. Dun think i can take it man.

Haiz, sometimes I really feel like giving up (ok, you heard me said it). Just like leave everything behind and start everything anew. All these running had left me wanting to walk more than ever. But walking's tough too... really hope that the wind would just take my hand and pull me along with it.

Dunno la, my sip is really screwed up right now. I havent even filled in my logbook just because I've procrastinated. But i've got so much on my mind right now dat I just cant focus. maybe one day i shall really sit down and clear my mind, you know, sort things out.

I've prayed for many people and now I'll pray for myself.
For me to receive guidance and have my road ahead cleared.
For me to be able to live each day in His glory.
And for me to be able finally get some closure.

oh and try this: www.karaokeparty.com

haha

2008-11-08T01:54:00.002+08:00

Dont know why but I'm happy today.
Work was good, actually got to do some stuff today.
Then went to shoot POL-ITE netball with suan and nick. Sports Club were there too to support the girls. In the end, was a close fight but we managed to get our act in place during the last 5 min and we won by a few points.

Funny thing was I was shooting halfway when the SC peeps starting cheering for me. So paiseh la haha, Kyle even came up to me to tell me that they are cheering for me lol.

Anyways, some oldie for my dear readers from one of my fav artists.

backlog

2008-11-04T23:45:00.002+08:00

i've got a backlog of a lot of stuff. need to clear them soon.
really sorry to all the people whom I have owed stuff or that I did last minute. I'm doing the best I can to clear everything.

Pls bear and have faith in me.

PS. Alfred, sorry i didn't reply ur sms. was too tired but i appreciate the concern ;P

very sad

2008-10-31T00:13:00.004+08:00

Its not often you see me put 2 words into a blog title or me blogging in the second-person so this entry must be quite significant as you would have guessed.

I lost a friend today. I'm very very sad that our friendship had to end this way but I guess its not much of a choice. I know that I might have wasted some of your time and I admitted to my mistake and gave us a chance to forgive each other but you thought otherwise...

Today Daniel was cold to me as ever and we just cant sustain a good conversation. I dunno man, maybe reservist had changed you into someone I didn't know. You smoked and became lazy and still as sarcastic. But I can't believe you didnt have the kind of self control I thought you'd possess and it had greatly made me think twice...

Got to know of some friend to friend conflict that could result in smth bad. This I cant tell but it really saddens me to see friendships being broken up. I dunno but its maybe becuz i've no siblings and all you people mean A LOT to me. You guys are the consolation I get from being alone and I dun like to be all by myself.

I'm sad becuz I know my time with some of you are coming to an end and all the times we spent together would become just a memory. Passed by my sec sch today and recalled the times when I was in uniform and my sec sch friends. Most of them I had lost contact with already. My memory is not tangible and someday I know I'll only be left with fuzzy impressions of my time with you guys. Makes me remember the starting verse from Lynrd Skynyrd's Freebird: "If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?"

That's why I'll spend every opportunity with you all, be it late night movies, eating my heart out on a burger or just to chit chat at macs. I'll be there if I can. A friend once told me my life had always been about giving and not receiving but I think if you guys can spend ur time with me, that's the best thing I've recieved and I hope to continue receiving.

So this post is dedicated to all you guys out there who had known me as a friend, I'll always be there.

finally

2008-10-30T00:39:00.003+08:00

Haha its hard to think of a word for the title that culminates what I wanted to say in each post. anyways, Daniel is finally back from reservist! was weird though cuz everything seemed to go on as usual in the office and it was as if he hasn't left for 3 weeks.

Got to help out in fish grading today and was like counting the hundreds of fishes in the tubs. eh, not an easy job you know! gotta like catch 5 and den put into a pail and each pail must have 100 fishes. But yea it was fun.

Rushed back to sch to meet hwee hoon on NYAA matters. I'm so glad to have her as my advisor as she really is sooooo understanding and we get along well. Den after that went for Sports Club meeting. Haha we decided to prank Michelle and called her one after another asking about the same thing hahas.

so tired again... think i'd better sleep (wondering whether anyone reads my blog.. hmm)

*oh yes, check out richie sambora's singing. he's the guitarist of bon jovi*

defeated

2008-10-28T00:47:00.000+08:00

ate a 8 inch burger with fries as a challenge. lost. bloated like beer bellied uncles.

tired

2008-10-27T02:11:00.003+08:00

havent been able to get a day off to rest yet. everyday is like rushing here and there everywhere to chill with friends, go appointments, go work...

and I hate being rushed for photos. yea i know I owe a couple of ppl some photos but i'm trying my best to get them done up already. tomorrow gotta pass the photo cds to dawn and stan and den maybe do some leisure shopping.

actually wanna intro suan and marian to johnnie but see how first cuz they'll be abseiling Clementi railway. dunno whether i should go anot but yea I've like fallen from there so a bit scared already.

anyways, got injured today. din manage to get enough traction during a switchback and bailed. funny thing is that although the knee that kena superficial wounds was ok, the other knee that didnt kena anything started to become very very VERY painful. its like a sudden thing and now a bit swollen. think i pulled a ligament or injured the joint. my right knee is very very painful.

haiz eyes like drooping already.

stoned

2008-10-26T00:53:00.000+08:00

Actually didn't wanna post but heck it, too many things to say.
Night safari was fun but probably it was the company that made it enjoyable. Serious, without the guys i think no matter how scary the stuff were, it would've been shit. Janis and Geraldine couldn't stop laughing, dunno why also.

helped uncle sam shoot some stuff today. ok la, although i also dun really like working on other's concept but hey its uncle sam leh so yea i'll be good and kind just for him hahas (so corny). marian's cam actually died midway during the shoot and she was like emo-ed alrdy. suan said dats why NIKON is the brand to choose haha.

aiya very tired and tml gotta go neverland so i'll update soon.

sleeping

2008-10-24T01:17:00.003+08:00

Russell didn't come to work today and I was left all alone with nothing to do. Really hope melvin didn't catch me sleeping again. Was so scared cuz when russell called, he was like "wad were you doing when melvin came to find you?". Left me bothered the whole day.

Anyways, JOJO came back 2 days ago and we had prata. Haha his hair is funny.

Can't wait for Night Safari tml, so long havent been there alrdy.
Tml's also alfred's bdae so happy bdae uncle

Oh and this song keeps playing in my head, gotta love Slash (and his hat totally OWNS jason mraz)

late

2008-10-21T23:40:00.003+08:00

Was late to see Steve Peat and Cedric Gracia!!!
They went off to massage and so we waited and waited until finally gave up.
Really hoped to get an autograph from the top riders in the world but oh well, there'll be a next time.

Filled up my NS registration form already. I'm trying to be optimistic about NS and I sure hope everything goes well this 2 years. Best is if I can be their photographer. Really inspired by those war photogs who get awesome pics of the recruits training.

Check out this awesome song from Nightwish

speechless

2008-10-19T22:27:00.006+08:00

Quite pissed with the photomarathon results yesterday.
I mean seriously lor, cliche and UNDEREXPOSED pics do not deserve to win. I've seen much better photos amongst the nominees than some of the winners'.
But I think most importantly, we enjoyed the company of friends and of course the *ahem* after-party. Think that's much much more than winning anything.

But yea, this year off form. My last photomarathon also cuz next year i'll be serving the nation.

Here are my entries:
Change

Dreams

Freedom

climbing

2008-10-15T23:05:00.002+08:00

Its been some time since I climbed anything... hand itchy already.
Hopefully can do some natural climbing at dairy farm or sin seng soon...

or maybe this

routines

2008-10-14T21:17:00.002+08:00

I figured that I cannot work like normally. I mean like do the same routines over and over again.
That rules out any ordinary 9-5 job for me. I need change, excitement and fun in my life and those normal working jobs are just not my type.

I want to travel around the world, for a cause like awareness or smth like that. I want to meet new people, try new stuff and do my part for the benefit of mankind. Haha sounds so ambitious right? But yea, that's what I'm gonna do.

I find it strange that many local teens limit their dreams. Prob its becuz of the culture here to be pragmatic but I think it stifles our potential. I've friends who just want to settle down (or should I say settle into routine) and spend the rest of their lives that way. Very seldom I hear friends wanting to be like an astronaut or such. Prob the only one I know now is Stan who wants to be a professional climber.

Conversely I have friends like Nicole from non-CMI families (her surname is Neubronner. cool huh!) who aspire to be a pediatrician travelling around the world. Haha ok enough of this big dreams thingy, just wanna complain about my daily routine of cleaning tanks, blending feed and counting those eeky rotifers.

sianded

2008-10-14T01:04:00.002+08:00

these few days, somehow I feel apologetic.
I mean, I've been saying sorry to people like almost everyday. Sometimes its not that I want to make things difficult but gotta understand that I'm tied.

I feel that I have let down a lot of people who had high hopes of me. I don't usually run on the expectations of people but I will need to prove my worth (or at least, there's a pressure to do so).

Sent Suan, Sharon, Kai Xin and Alvin off to their KL holiday today. Felt so sad cuz I wanted to go but becuz of SIP, couldn't. SIP is really forcing me to make a lot of sacrifices, not just such holidays but also time with friends and my social circle. Hated it even more today after waving bye to the peeps. 3 and a half more months to go before its over. must be strong.

OGIM

2008-10-13T00:47:00.003+08:00

Wasted away another day... I'm so gonna make sure I cherish my weekends better starting from next week. I'm procrastinating on a few things but I'm trying to get everything back in order. I feels so bad to have things still kept undone.

anyways, forgot to mention something impt abt yesterday. Finally, after a month, got to meet up with.... STAN THE MAN!!! he's been into army lately and couldn't wait to see his shaven head. He told me lots of stories of how his life is like in NS and that sorta got me just a little prepared for the time to come.

Actually, come to think of it, it should be a breeze. Free training, free food, free lodging, a whole lot of fun, what's more to ask?

In retrospect, returning to neverland in a few hours time... Hope this ends soon...

recovery

2008-10-05T02:28:00.003+08:00

Today was.... great.

Finally got to have a decent conversation with russell, he's really the consolation that God sent to me man. I mean, really, finally someone to talk to and on the same frequency.

Supposed to go out for B2B today but separated from the group and didn't catch up. But still I think the organisation wasn't top notch enough. I think the whole rationale of shooting with disposable cameras wasn't brought out during the event. Oh well, maybe its just that I set my bar very high for this sort of thing.

I AM SO EXCITED!!

Discussed the 1st Avenue shoot with uncle sam over some yuanyang (its just coffee + tea). Gonna rig up my cam to shoot an aerial which I think would be fantastic. So excited man and marian and I are like so worried about technical faults that we might have overlooked. But I think I will pull it off quite well.

And if you havent read this book yet, pls go get one. It costs a little below $19.

nyaa

2008-10-04T12:31:00.004+08:00

~~Took leave~~ Rescheduled my workdays to come for the NYAA ceremony. At first didn't know whether or not to come but since Kyle asked me personally to shoot and since I'm in the committee, I felt I really needed to come.

Was the biggest flop in my photography yet. Waited and waited for TP to come up to collect their certs from President and tried to look for a nice composition. Then decided to go up to take my bag which was on the 5th floor (they're on 3rd floor). So when I opened the gallery door, heard sam's name being called out. I was like OMG!!!

So rushed down back to 3rd floor and saw marian who told me it was over. Oh well, couldn't have chosen a worse time to leave a ceremonial shoot. Next time I shall get a list of the schedule man.

Anyways, uncle sam brought us to this bread cafe for some kopi and catching up. Kinda interesting cafe cuz it was Christian and was based around the analogy of bread in the bible. Really wished I had a compact camera with me cuz everyone was like shooting away and I didn't want to bring out Fatman as it'll make me look stupid haha.

So chatted about stuff from work to SIP to *ahem* that you-know-who. seriously lor, sam also told uncle sam that she shouldn't be in the committee but I guess uncle sam wanted to give her a chance.

Really zonked out and slept early cuz was totally burnt out from the chalet.

lies

2008-10-01T10:31:00.002+08:00

Went through emotional turmoil yesterday.
Supposed to meet Melvin who would be my key to returning back to school for SIP. He made all these false accusations and conclusions out of my very simple reason for appealing: I am not learning anything at all.

So Daniel and I went to the conference room and Melvin started to question every single detail in my appeal letter. I really hate this because it gives me the impression that you do not trust and believe in my honesty and sincerity. Anyway, he gave me a glimmer of hope when he said he'll settle everything for me.

Daniel was a changed person that day and began to be much more of a friend than a sarcastic supervisor. Think its probably because if everything went smoothly, yesterday would be my last day at the company. If he was like that earlier, everything would be much much better la.

So after a series of discussions, of which I overheard Melvin in a phone conversation with school and figured he was LYING again about the whole truth, it all bows down to the all-so-mighty course manager. Knowing her, everything is unpredictable.

On the way back after work, Daniel was like trying to me feel better by saying that I shouldn't worry and I must not let anyone stand in my way of what I believe in. Then a couple of hours later, received a call saying that I got to stay at the company for the full 5 months. Even Daniel also said resistance is futile.

I was totally devastated. What happened to the "oh dun let anyone stand in your way" thingy? I've beared with false accusations of me that made me look bad to the school, consulting a whole bunch of lecturers about this and all and in the end it still ended up the same way. I am not satisfied with this decision.

If only the school knew what I was doing there. Washing tanks, air stones, air tubes, harvesting stinky rotifers and other menial jobs in the freaking 32 degree greenhouse. I worked so hard for the past 2.5 years, first in school and last to leave, many sleepless nights studying and all I ended up working as a manual worker. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH TP!!

Because of this SIP, I've lost track of friends, activities and very much my social life. Everyday its like 8-6pm of manual labour and after that I'm so tired and exhausted that I cannot think of doing anything except to go home and rest. I've put in my 110% in everything I did just because I held the name of TP with me but its taking a toll on me and I've now gotten that constant backache from all the work.

I've decided that I'm not going to be a slave to fate and just bear for 5 months. I'm gonna fight for my right to ask for a better and more fulfilling work experience. Peace out.

fat

2008-09-28T22:20:00.003+08:00

Got a request to shoot a concert yesterday.
Turned out the performers were like super overweight wearing tight spendex and army jackets. Totally couldn't get a nice shot at all, my worst series ever in my life.

Anyway, got new shoes today during retail therapy.
Not bad yes? couldn't decide between the black one or this but yea got this cream one instead. cream is the new black anyway.

did smth unbelievable today. ran away from home.
I just couldn't take it anymore that I'm facing some probs and nobody is giving me sound advice. All I got was how to shrug the prob aside and forget about it.

So this morning I just took my stuff and left without telling anyone. Went to E!Hub to catch a movie cuz this was smth I had wanted to do for a long time. Yea, watched it alone again. This time, I was the only one in my row of seats. Prob when my mum found out, it was already afternoon and I deliberately missed all the calls from home and my parents' hp. I was really really frustrated.

So went to Queenstown cuz it was at the other end of the country. needed to go somewhere far from the east. Sat alone waiting for my dumpling order to come. Was feeling really really down and lonely when this family came over and asked to share the table. So it was kinda awkward as there's only 1 me and this big family with a grandma, dad, mum and 2 kids. Though I didn't talk much to them, I felt as if we were a family (weird, I know). Never knew how it felt to have siblings till now. Think it was a godsend cuz I've been alone all day today. Remb that I read from an article in my teachings folder on my harddisk "When He saw Adam was alone, He gave him a wife and companion. When He saw the world in need, He gave us Jesus."

Decided to return home late after a day of retail therapy. Serious. Spent on anything and everything without even thinking. Got a brief nag about what I did today. They still don't get it.

shit.

alone

2008-09-28T13:14:00.000+08:00

Felt so sad

jaded

2008-09-25T00:52:00.003+08:00

i'm living each day as it counts, just as our fantabulous MM said in the newspaper today.

2 and a half weeks into the SIP programme and I'm feeling jaded already how? I mean, everyday is the same routine and everything is so.... dead. I cant even strike a good conversation with anyone cuz we're all on different frequencies and again, I'm back to being alone again.

I think my work is meaningless, I mean, I spend so much time, so much sweat and all I am doing is growing some blasted microscopic organisms to grow big fugly fishes that end up on our dinner plate eventually. What's the point man? Today spent the whole day replacing the air tubes in all 7 two-tonne tanks. Totalled to be 100+m of tubing, all because I need to keep it sterile.

Come on la, diploma holding technicians and degree holding senior officers, even a kid would know that there's no point sterilising all these equipment when the air in he environment already contain so much bacteria and other contaminating organisms. Its not like we're working in a freaking clean room or smth so how do you expect not to have a contamination?

And I hate waiting for people to plan my life. Everyday its just waiting for daniel to tell me what to do, to breathe down my neck and giving me that sarcastic grin. Which reminds me of marian saying that she got effed-up today in the office. I remb my second day of work and daniel ask me to find him at 10.30am. So ok, I waited in the office until 10.25am and go find him. Found him and he was like "What was the instruction?" So i said to find him at 10.30am and he STERNLY said that he would not tolerate lateness. I was like wth lor. And best thing is that whenever i said i go find him, he'll rub it off saying he'll find me instead. And guess what? He can just go off or forget and leave me waiting and waiting without even sending someone to tell me. Thanks man. And trust me, this is just one of the many effed-up attitude I've kena as an intern.

phew... felt good throwing all of that out. anyways, prob the only good thing i've heard today was that i'm nominated to go for some youth forum and prime minister dialogue. i was so glad to receive a call from school again, at least gives me a glimpse of reality before i return to Neverland. oh well, october's totally burnt out already...

so tired, tml gonna face sarcasm and that all so irritating winnie the pooh face.

nothing

2008-09-23T23:35:00.002+08:00

Nothing special today, same old routine.
I gotta get myself a life man, or else I just end up like those mindless working zombies. Thing is, well, I need to find joy in the things I do.

zonked out...

anathema

2008-09-22T23:43:00.003+08:00

I'm physically tired... its been a long long time since I ever felt so weak.

SIP was turning out to be a waste of my time, all I do is menial labour which even someone with PSLE could do. I am not learning and this makes me quite sad.

Had a talk with my SIP supervisor Daniel today. Didn't really like him at the start cuz he's like PMS and his mood swings are extreme. Was quite nervous and didn't know what to do as in should I stay or leave.

So I sat in the meeting room and said a prayer and left it all for the big man to decide, I trust that He'll make the best decision for me. We had a pretty long talk and he's graciously agreed to shorten my SIP term at St. John to 2 and a half months. This would mean I'd have stuff to do everyday and I get to go back to normal life out of the "Neverland" sooner. This is like the best compromise man! Thank God for that.

Anyways, I've been feeling a bit sad (no, its not because of SIP) recently. Sometimes I really admire people who have parents who listen and guide them. 19 years of being alone in the family probably forced me to have a certain level of independence, I learnt from mistakes, observations and facing my greatest enemy, myself. It has been hard for me to connect with my parents although we look fine on the outside. In fact, sometimes I find it hard to connect with other people. This is my motivation to do my photographic project called "Where has love gone?". I need to find the answers.

Yea, today's post is super emo. Almost as if I'm an anathema in this world.

Was shown this video some time ago, it moved me to tears.

emmanuel

2008-09-05T01:20:00.003+08:00

done two thirds of our Adventure Grand Slam, i'm very tired
i'll try to summarise the epic trip to climb mt. k, highest mountain in SEA.

inside the claustrophobic lift

buying some drinks at marrybrown while waiting for check in, was quite early but it was good

here's marian shooting some lazy houseflies.
serious, they dun fly even when you go close to them

here's stan goofing around before the flight

and here's stan after losing his phone (first trip situation)

finally reached the hostel and began unpacking

yep, this is the one called x-plorer backpackers
the folks there are super nice (phew!)

on the van to kinabalu park where the mountain is located
good weather, good spirits

my second time climbing this and i still dun believe that i made it twice

still in high spirits in the toilet

everyone's expression is so funny
check out marian and suan's sianded face and stan's siao jumping

the man-vs-wild-under-the-pants shot

right.

still at the kinabalu park hq, misty weather

down the steps of timpohon gate, marking our start

omg its the summit trail!

check out the awesome lighting

at carson's falls

climb, climb, climb

breathing increased cuz the air up there is thin so 1 step equals like 2 breaths

peng san already

that's marian with help from a stick and our guide venjohn (yea you saw that right)

that's the guy who helped us take a group photo at the hq

taken with marian's kit lens
L lenses are like obsolete already

trees are really tall so most of the time we didn't get any sun

the porters bring like 50+ kg of bags up the mountain
this is only 20+ kg

shit.

yea gosh its heavy

i'm hopeless in peeling boiled eggs

nope, havent reach yet
check out how misty it was

terrain change signals the nearing of leban rata guesthouse
marian=hee listening to music
stan=rawr!!
ven=so slow... sian

funny thing i shot this
like some man and nature theme

i like this terrain the best
nice colour and easy to walk on

after this, stopped taking photos cuz of the cold and laziness to take out the camera so i'll try to put it into words

started the night climb with almost everyone kena AMS
i was so worried that something would happen but i had to keep those fears behind me and focus on the climb.
had to stop a few times cuz suan was queasy but he was alright after some water and the beautiful star display in the sky.

Reached the slopes and the wind started to blow like there's no tomorrow. totally didn't expect that to happen. we tried to push on until KM8 where we just couldnt take it and hid behind the signboard with ven. my torch died...

suan and stan moved ahead first while i stayed behind with marian. could see that she was really struck by the cold and we rested behind every rock we could find. by then, the awesome sunrise has begun and man was it gorgeous, so worth it!

saw ven on the slope with the sunrise at the back and it made into a really nice silhouette shot by marian. she was really shivering and ven had lent her his jacket and we managed to push on and rendezvous with suan and stan behind a rock to summit together.

and at 6.18am, all of us managed to summit mt. kinabalu.

us atop low's peak

after 1 and half days to gruelling climb, we've made it

its really fun to go out with photogs. just when everyone is so shag, they just continue to do their thing like...

checking photos

checking B+W filter

this trip, being my second trip to the mountain had not brought any less learning experiences for me. in fact, i felt that i learnt much more this time around. this trip has also come at the right time just as i was getting back me faith.

we were so blessed to have wonderful weather and i can't put it to words but i really felt that God is with us along the way. I felt that there's someone to hear my prayers and to calm my nervous soul as I was really really worried that something bad would happen to my friends but I decided to put that in His hands.

When I was climbing the summit portion, with the winds threatening to make me give up, lyrics from the song "Still" played in my head and I knew that I would be given the strength and will to continue. *lyrics at the top of my blog*

this really puts meaning into the name Emmanuel, God With Us.

to end off, i think this song is really appropriate for this experience.

predictions

2008-08-24T19:44:00.002+08:00

My mood's a bit down and I'm prob a bit disoriented these couple of days from the rain. I dunno why but I hate it when it rains, sort of really kills my spirit.

Anyways, was supposed to shoot some soccer today and I went to Tampines for the match. Funny thing was that it was raining and I'd reckon the match will be canceled so I wanted to call marian to check. Guess what? My phone's service was screwed up and there wasn't any reception at all anywhere.

So went home and restarted the phone again and got back reception and a msg from marian saying it's canceled. Should've thought of restarting the phone earlier... must be the rain.

Hope this bout of blurness will end soon!! But I think its due to the studying so hopefully everything's gonna be fine after wed.

Watched this show called "Insanitarium" today. Its sort of those B grade gory American movie and I actually liked the plot until the producer/director/scriptwriter blew it by turning everyone in the mental institution into psychotic zombies eating each other out.

Can't wait for the AGS!!!!

awesome

2008-08-19T00:49:00.005+08:00

Finally, I'm about ready for my first paper. Just need to practice a few questions first.
It's not so tough actually, it shouldn't be. Remaining cool and composed is what I'm gonna try this time round. I've figured that people tend to lose it when they're nervous and their mind is everywhere. Look at the athletes who burn down during the Olympics and you know what I mean.

Was watching clips of Anthony Robbins and his coaching to get myself into the right state of mind for the exams. He's just this crazy fella who is top achievement coach in the US, and he coaches for 50 hours straight on weekends!!

Anyways, he talked about triggering states of mind and I thought I'd give it a shot. So weird as it might seem, I played my whole Hillsong playlist while studying. Basically, its becuz this was what I listened to when I was in my prime studying period.

Anyways, was trying to search for the Awesome God video on youtube and came across this. Literally moved me almost to tears when I first saw it.

I mean, just look at these people, they're impoverished yet rich with faith, I'm touched.

rave

2008-08-17T22:05:00.002+08:00

Haha (ok I though it'll be good to begin with something happy)

Right, now for the real deal. I just cannot stand uncertainty in life.
The weekends, wasted a lot of time waiting for something to happen, waiting for people to ask me stuff, waiting for people to ask me FOR stuff, waiting for a reason to go out without having to wait for all the others stated above.

Seems a little screwed up right?
I remb when I was in Sec 4, everyday burning my energy preparing for the Os, and jenson sent me this song by Stacie Orrico called "more to life". At that time, I really connected with the lyrics, especially the chorus which went "there's gotta be more to life, than chasing out every temporary high to satisfy me"

But now?
I'd figured if I didn't go chasing, nothing will come to me. Maybe its a test that the big man up there wants to put me through cuz I don't see anil-xavier-yanhao or the rest of the gang worrying about all this. They were fortunate that I was the one who always called them to study.

Ok, enough of ranting about being alone. Maybe it was meant to be anyways.

Was looking through my favourited videos on youtube and this particular one meant something more to me, a past memory that I might not be able to forget... yet

learning

2008-08-15T01:09:00.003+08:00

Learnt a lot today
Really really sorry to uncle sam who had to vet my memo over and over and over again to make sure we gave Raymond a nice copy. But I learnt that we must not rely on people too much, it sort of gives you less control over your life...

Had my n-th time of having my breakfast+lunch+tea meal and my body's telling me to stop doing that!! I mean I really felt more fatigued day by day and my brain's probably half dead already from the lack of nutrients. I really gotta start having proper meals if I even wanna do fairly well for the exams.

Also learnt to be more attentive to people's good points rather than bad points. Its a good practice to see things in a more optimistic way I guess. This way, we'll know what to expect from these people and how we can put their abilities to good use.

Phew... I'm gonna start TE revision tml, better earlier than late
Gonna be my last time I'm causing pain to mice (finally!)

lonely

2008-08-13T09:59:00.003+08:00

These few days had been quite a revelation.
No, its this semester to be correct.
I figured that although I'm needed by a lot of people to do things, and I'm caught up with meetings almost everyday, I'm really just by my own.

It feels as if my friends and all just want me because I have something they want and I'm really sick of this. Really hope that someone would actually call me out or call me to study purely for the sake of company. And I really envy those who could actually study together with friends.

I've got a lot on my mind right now.

So today's song feature: none other than...

weekend terror

2008-08-11T23:34:00.001+08:00

just bought a one way ticket to hell and back...

shake that

2008-08-09T01:39:00.007+08:00

Nick showed us this hilarious video of Alvin's class doing a "lip dub" of the song "all the small things".

See whether you can spot Alvin doing this butt thrust!!

National Day Celebration was quite alright. I choked up on this phlegm that made my voice coarse when I narrated the story. Funny thing was that Hwee Hoon and Pek Lian kept waving at me and I couldn't wave back cuz it'll look unprofessional hahas.

Up Soup TML!!!

stickers

2008-08-06T22:53:00.003+08:00

Got some new decals to pimp up my ride :P
Heard of this shop near my house that sells these stickers so decided to check it out today after school.

and my favorite one yet

Went for National Day Celebration rehearsal today. Was supposed to narrate some story about Singapore and lead the pledge (i don't even remb it lor haha). But no stage fright this time, everything went very well.

Saw this bunch of kindergarten kids at the rehearsal and it somewhat reminded me of my childhood. I mean, my parents invested so much to put me through such education and its a pity that only when I'm all grown up, will I be able to appreciate all these.

3 more days to Pengerang!!!

climbmania

2008-08-05T10:34:00.003+08:00

After looking at some pics and videos of the Teva Mountain Sports festival that Suan showed me, I felt really inspired to go back more into the sport. I mean, I do agree with what Alex Johnson said in an interview that we should not wake up each day and be like "oh man I have to go climb" but instead "I WANT to climb today". I've seen so many climbing friends look at it as an obligation rather than fun which is why I'm so captivated by Teva's event: they made it fun.

Climbing is all about sharing the joy of the sport and I'll make sure that I have it that way. Problem is, I've no where to train except for CA and SAFRA Yishun and both are like so far away haha.

one gone

2008-08-05T00:27:00.003+08:00

Josias is finally on his way to Brisbane for his SIP. Feel so happy for him and I can see that he's really looking forward to this plus all the people who went to send him off.

But that's one friend gone for 3 months. Gonna really miss him for this period of time. Somehow it starts to sink into me again with people leaving me and I do feel a bit sad. Maybe its just that I'm not my usual self this semester, I feel that my spirit is gone.

Anyway, here's a clip that I really liked. Its probably Keith's best live performance yet and I'm learning the opening riff right now. For some strange reason, this song's about someone leaving too... wth

carrot, egg and some coffee

2008-08-03T23:19:00.004+08:00

Was reading Puiye's blog and came across this:

A carrot, an egg and cup of coffee

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her.She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up.She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire.Soon the pots came to boil.

In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans.She let them sit and boil; without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners.She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After peeling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water.

Each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hard.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter.

"When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean."

Think of this: Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a failure, a breakup, or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?
Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean?
The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level?

How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

FOP - missed it

2008-08-03T22:54:00.003+08:00

Yea, missed FOP this year.
For some strange reason, I feel that these 2 years, I have been quite disconnected with faith. I mean, looking back at some of my poetic works during my darkest days, I somehow regret turning my back at the only person with answers.

I remember a sermon that discussed "unsatisfied satisfaction". How can we ever get enough of His love that gives us such gratification? Maybe I should open my doors and have a nice chat with God...

i love the world

2008-08-03T01:30:00.001+08:00

Discovery Channel's way to spread the love.

Wasted

2008-08-02T23:24:00.003+08:00

I think today was a bit wasted because I chose not to go to Chong Pang to do the abseil and National Day dinner. Felt really guilty for that...

Was reading through some articles from this folder "Teachings" in my hard disk. It says that the greatest gift that God has given us are people. Made me think of how bad a decision it was to disappoint the people who expected me to be there.

So to make up for it I went out to Simpang with some of the guys to give Jojo a last last farewell dinner. Haha funny thing is that we seem to be giving him so many farewell dinners. Will be waiting for his nougats when he's back from Brisbane.

So yea tomorrow's gonna be a day well spent.

Disturbia

2008-08-02T00:57:00.003+08:00

Climb was very good today. Was so happy to see that Suan, Marian and Jo enjoyed today's session. Met Stan too at CA, prob one of the last times I see him before he serves the nation.

I really can't put to words how much I appreciate Stan as a friend, brother and mentor. Thinking of the times when were year 1, the day we decided to befriend each other one day before going to climb Batu Caves and not forgetting Raver's Fantasy. I remember that night I revealed my plans to quit TP climbing, till the day I officially quit. I remember the weekends we shared climbing at Yishun and how we worked at FIT and Camelot together. I remember the poem I wrote for you and the times you assured me my decision was right.

But all these memories would one day be erased and hopefully by then, I still have you by my side.

I'm very sad this semester. I feel as if I have lost everyone around me and more people are moving farther away from me. I've never felt so alone and empty before and its frightening. Maybe this is why I try so hard to hold on to who's remaining... too afraid that they would drift away if I gave slack. I think I'm waiting for someone to grab me by the hand and just run, give me some chance to follow rather than lead. But running is tough too, and I may not have the strength to run along...

2008-08-01T00:15:00.002+08:00

Ok promised to blog again after such a long hiatus.

Finally felt carefree today. Submissions are over and tomorrow there's excursion to NYP.
I don't understand why the lecturers made the excursion compulsory, I mean some of us have already been through poster shows and the last thing we wanna see is another scientific poster haha.

Anyways, going back to CA tml. Got lots of stuff to do there, cant wait too.

2008-06-11T00:46:00.003+08:00

I don't know whether I should even blog about this but well its a big issue.
Today's meeting with DD did not turn out as it should, instead new probs arose.
Having held office in so many committees, I've seen my fair share of problems and effectiveness.

I learnt something today, something that Edmund had said really hit hard on me:
"Never tie a person to the problem, the problem is the problem, not the person"
Very very true, every time we try to cover our butt by blaming isn't gonna bring us anywhere so we must always bring our attention to the problem, not the person.

Now I'm torn between my membership with toast.
I've got NYAA and Sports Club to handle and if toast doesn't appreciate my services then I'll leave it as that. But Raymond put in good words for me and I felt I can't let him down...

What should I do?

2008-05-12T19:36:00.002+08:00

Its over, the story has come to an end
The writer's pen had dried
And it was an abrupt end
For there is a death tonight

Upon his table, the pages turn yellow
As the hand which wrote is forgotten
The air he breathed seemed quite mellow
Even as he stayed cold and rotten

So as the tale of this fantasy remains unwritten
The last word a cadence of his last breath
There's still hope of him being smitten
Or will he wait till there's no time left

2008-03-15T23:43:00.003+08:00

Yes its here :)

2008-03-14T01:27:00.003+08:00

In the year of our Lord 2008, Dickson was called from the cares of the world
He stopped crying at the end of each beautiful day
His words had long been without silence
He was found naked and dead
With a smile on his face
A pen
A poem
And one thousand pages of erased text
Save me

Read the poem here

2008-03-12T23:01:00.001+08:00

ok my first distiction grade for this year... applied biochemistry
not surprised